Today’s Stop

In some ways it worked out better. There were opportunities that may have not been available had I not been available because I would have been busy with motherhood. Growth. Chance to rekindle my relationship with my career. With myself. Made a few new friends. Stregthened my bonds with my husband. Reevaluated some familial relationships. Let some things go. Let some people go.
Kyle.
Sometimes no matter how hard you work on a certain path – the choice isn’t really your own. An entirely different path is determined for you. Fight it and struggle or embrace the road and make it your own.
I’m sure I sound cliche – but – in times like this – I realize that life is so much bigger than me!

Let’s Do It Again, Dear

OK, I feel great! I mean, I’m tired. At times grumpy. Prone to flashes of snark and bitching. That sounds like normal me, right?

I’m kind of lumpy. Meaning, flesh and bone and other bodily things have shifted around – been rearranged – but overall I look and feel pretty good. Wearing size 4 pants again is nice.

The lights are back on upstairs. I see colors properly. Genuinely smile. Laugh. Enjoy. Am able to reflect but not feel overwhelmed in sadness or grief.

Today.

And I think – pretty regularly, Let’s have another.

Baby.

Baby Boy Bunsey is getting SOOOOOOOOOO BIG. He’ll be a year soon. Less than 2 months away.  

It would be wonderful to do it again.

Maybe my postpartum depression won’t be so awful the next time and I can enjoy it a little more fully.

Maybe I won’t be totally wacko during pregnancy next time.

It is, after all, so amazingly wonderful and awesome and overwhelmingly beautiful and fantastic.

He is wonderful.

I can do it again.

My body can do it again.

Can my darling husband?

Wide Awake

I haven’t slept all week. I actually probably haven’t slept properly in 9 months.

I’m ready.

I am not ready.

Sometimes I wish I were more like a kitty. They seem to have no problems sleeping. It seems what they do best. About 10 minutes ago my deaf kitty walked on the dresser, turned on the alarm clock radio which blared NPR next to my head and my other kitty who also is directly next to the radio didn’t flinch or budge even with the addition of my grumbling and swearing. I rolled myself out and off my husband’s side of the bed, continued to grumble swears under my breath, turned on a light as not to trip over clothes, slippers, books and other things that don’t belong on the bedroom floor, waddled over to the alarm clock and slammed my fingers down on several buttons. 2 years later and I’m still unsure how the thing actually functions. I remove the deaf kitty from the nightstand, pat her bottom, waddle back to husband’s side of the bed, rearrange pillows, and attempt to gracefully enter sheets and covers – sleeping kitty turns head further into himself, moves paw over face and blissfully continues sleeping.

Self centered? Simple? Carefree?

I tend to think part of cats are Zen Meditation Masters who are capable of shutting out the noises and distractions of the world, including their own internal distractions to completely absorb themselves in rest, sleep, contemplation and peaceful silence.

I suppose this is easier done when your brain is less than the size of a walnut. How complex and distracting of thought can you really get into with a walnut brain?

Aside from my physical discomfort and at times even physical pain – my mind is a mess right now. I am so ready for this baby to get out here and be in my arms – in my sight – on my breast. I’m terrified of “inducing” him to come out on Wednesday starting at 7 a.m.

C’mon baby – let’s get going and do this on your terms. You’re ready! I’m ready! Start your progression down and out into the world today or tomorrow before doctor has her way with you. You can do it! It will be much better if you’re in charge of your grand entrance. Trust mommy.

And mommy will happily sleep again – at least for a few hours after you safely get out here – daddy will stay awake with you. And you guys can get to know each other.

Livestock for Christmas

Doug calls me from work this morning, early, and leaves a message saying, “Just wondering if you’re awake.”

Of course I’m awake. I’m 38.5 weeks pregnant and haven’t slept in a month. Does that mean I want to get out of bed for the phone at 9:00 a.m. on Saturday? I wish I were sleeping, blissfully unaware of anything other than my fanciful dreams.

Sleeping I am not.

I could tell by his voice that he needed and wanted called back right away. I untangled myself from covers and pillows, rolled my sore body out of bed, waddled to the living room, found a phone and plopped down on the chase next to a cat.

He answers and I ask, How things are going and what’s up? Right away he says, “Can we take a little pumpkin and put it on FB’s gravestone later today?”

Of course we can. Absolutely.

I ask him, Did something trigger this or what happened or … ??? and he says, “I was just thinking about carving pumpkins today and wishing she were her to see them. I’m just sad.”

Makes sense.

He’s different from me, though, and doesn’t always share emotional things freely  – a man thing –  still though, I remain  curious as to what his sad looks like – so this little opportunity in is accepted no matter what else is going on. I know my grief and how it is triggered or how it surprises me and how it feels for me, and often I tell him about it. The depth, colors and experience of this grief for him – sometimes – still – remains a mystery to me. And the only way, really, to get to know his grief is to quietly wait for him to share. It can at times be difficult for me, especially when I’m feeling very lonely in my grief and needing not to be the only one who still thinks about and feels the loss of her, but I’m getting better at allowing rather than pulling – something marriage teaches me every day.

So I asked further, Is it because we’re going to have this baby any day now and he replies, “I want them both. I’m just being greedy.”

Me too.

I tell him, We’re not often greedy so I think in this case we’re allowed to be a little greedy in wanting to have both of our children alive and well – here with us – together.

And he agrees.

I decided yesterday that each year for Christmas I’m going to buy FB a gift, however, that my gift to her would actually be a gift to someone else in the world. This year I’m starting with Heifer International. I’m thinking about sending a family a flock of chicks (eggs for protein) in FB’s name.

Heifer International Gift Catalog.

Old Navy Girls

As I stood in line today at Old Navy, completely uncomfortably squeezed into my jeans, feet bulging at the end of sneakers that used to be my friends, picking up a large-sized maternity sweater, there were these charming little girls in line next to me – playing, chatting, hanging on their mom’s cart, smiling at each other, simply being little girls with tangled hair, freckles, striped stockings and corduroy skirts.

I looked at them and smiled. They were darling.

Then as the mom behind me started talking to her son about the little girls – I gleaned they all must go to the same school – I began to wonder, “Would I have kept her hair long? Would she have been so cheerful? So charming? What would she look like now? How big would she be? What would WE be doing today?”

She could have been just over a year now.

And it isn’t every time that I see little girls that I have thoughts such as these.

Often enough though.

Perhaps these thoughts won’t be as prevalent once my Busy Little Boy arrives, captures my attention and absorbs all my love.

Or, perhaps they will.

They may even morph into different thoughts. Other yearnings. New wonderings.

I just never know what will be.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

What else can I do?

I’ve cleaned the house. I’ve organized. I’ve thrown things out. I’ve tidied. I’ve rearranged.

I’ve washed, folded and put away clothes, blankies, bibs, towels, washcloths, hats, and socks. I’ve sorted toys, put away diapers, diaper cream, towels, shampoo, and baby lotion.

I packed my bag. I packed for my husband. I packed a coming home outfit for him.

What else is there for me to do except wait?

Waiting.

Autumn, A Reminder

It is time for a reminder – for me. So today I chose to read a simply profound work by my favorite author, Parker J. Palmer. Today I read an essay found in his book, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. The passage I selected to quote below comes from his essay on Autumn, page 100:

“Autumn constantly reminds me that my daily dyings are necessary precursors to new life. If I try to ‘make’ a life that defies the diminishments of autumn, the life I end up with will be artificial, at best, and utterly colorless as well. But when I yield to the endless interplays of living and dying, dying and living, the life I am given will be real and colorful, fruitful and whole.”

I spent some time today cleaning, organizing and preparing – all autum tasks in the creative cycle. I read a little and listened to music. I also spent time just gazing out the back window, watching the birds, listening to the chatter of goldfinches who now wear their winter feathers of brown and pale gold. Noticing the browns, yellows and red hues of the foliage in my garden. And I considered my daily dyings, actual dying, fears, and ruminations. And I was just quiet. Rocking gently in my new glider. Holding my tummy. Watching it move about and stir. Breathing and being alive.

Formerly Me

I used to be fun.

I used to smile – more.

I used to take life, work, people, things head on.

Now…Now, I don’t know what I am. I am tense. Afraid. Scarred. Damaged. Nervous. Anxious. Angry. Riddled with PTSD.

Now, I stay in bed, avoiding, being afraid. Worrying. Remembering those awful days in 2008. Dreading anything even remotely resembling those days. Waking up after yet another nightmare of having THAT again. Fearful that this one will leave me too. Grieving that I will never, ever be like those other mothers – the ones who send their beautiful post L&D pictures. The ones who write about their magical, unmedicated births where everything is perfect, perfect, perfect and their only complaints are babies who come 3 days past their due date or 3 days “early.” The ones whose babies come out, squealing and wriggling.  The ones who cruised through pregnancy – the most natural and joyful thing a woman can do. The ones who only have love and joy in their eyes when they talk about motherhood.

I will always have sadness accompanying my love.

I’ll always have a husband who, like me, has “triggers” and “stuff.” Who comes home from stopping by the grocery store and says, “I don’t want to – want to buy flowers to put on her grave stone when I walk through the produce department.”

I want to look at flowers because they are beautiful – not because they are something I buy regularly when I visit the place where she isn’t.

Sure. I’ll have my healthy, living baby in the next couple weeks but it won’t be according to MY plans.

A complaint: Why can’t I, for once in my fucking life just be normal and like other people!? Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated for me!? When – when – when will it be MY turn to send out beautiful pictures, to bask in lovely memories and fond doting by others, for everything to just BE nice and easy and joyful – for ME. When will it be MY TURN?

Just once.

Wonderful Physiological Changes

It really is quite amazing – what happens to a woman’s body – to my body – during pregnancy.

It is scary as hell being pregnant subsequently after having had severe, early onset Preeclampsia, being horrifically sick (as my current MFM says, “working on dying too”), being hospitalized, and delivering a stillborn baby at 26 weeks, however, once I get around the post traumatic emotional issues related to my first pregnancy and work through any physical alerts of this pregnancy – able to catch my breath and learn about all of the normal things my body is doing in this pregnancy – it is quite remarkable and fascinating!

I’ve said this before and will always feel the same way about it – which is probably why the expression of “congratulations” bugs me when someone gets pregnant and has a baby: The whole thing really and truly is a miracle! There are so many things doctors and scientists still don’t know about pregnancy and to some degree there is really very little anyone can do to ensure a “successful” pregnancy other than following the obvious precautions and general directions.

And while much of pregnancy remains a mystery – there is much we do know about it – and it is quite tremendous. Take a look at this Merck Manual. Incredible. Awesome. Wonderful.

I had what I’m calling a little “blip” during my OB appointment yesterday. My regular MFM says it isn’t even a “blip.” I was scheduled for my first non-stress test. This test shows how baby is tolerating life in my uterus. It is a standard and routine practice for high risk patients like me after 32 weeks. Many women receive NSTs if they have elevated blood pressure or other maternal indicators that could affect the baby.

My doctor is out-of-town, so I saw the usual nurses and regular OB, not my regular OB. He was a lovely OB btw. I felt anxious about the NST. I always feel anxious about tests and checks – wanting the tests and wanting to know how baby is doing – but worried that things could be bad again and fearful of having to go through THAT again. Obviously I was anxious b/c my blood pressure was elevated and stayed elevated during my entire visit. The nurse even rechecked it several times. On top of the pressure, I dipped a trace of protein on my urine sample. These 2 markers, which are new events for me during this pregnancy, combined with the events of my first pregnancy sent everyone into an alert mode, resulting in calls to the chief of of High Risk OB care downtown and very conservative follow-up measures. I received the whole talk about headaches, visual disturbances, not feeling well, etc, etc with instructions to go straight into L&D if I’m not feeling like myself. I’m OK with that – conservative and promptly attentive care. I had my blood drawn, was sent home with 2 jugs for 24-hour urine collection and am following-up with a repeat NST tomorrow downtown.

Baby was “beautiful” oh his NST according to the doctor. He had great heart accelerations with each movement!At least somebody was not stressed!

So…I’m off work on a sick day today. I’d prefer to be at work being “normal.” I considered several different ways to collect my urine at school but all of them seemed a bit ridiculous! Perhaps if I worked at a desk all day and had a more private restroom option it would be feasible. The restroom options are a significantly far distance from my classroom. I need to go frequently. I have these giant jugs to keep cold and store. I need a collection tool. I could just see me walking down the hallway, jug in one hand, pee catcher in the other and a kindergartener asking, “What’s in that bottle Mrs. B?” Yeah. No thanks.

I probably should complete a task or two on my giant home To Do list, but, I donno…maybe I’ll just hang around on the couch, listening to music, practicing guided imagery and relishing in the fascinating and magical wonders of the amazing things that are taking place inside of my body right now!

And getting up every half hour to collect my urine. 😉

Oh, btw…this by far is THE SCARIEST thing I have ever done in my life – getting and being pregnant again after what happened to me before – but it is SO worth it! I wanted to believe it could be better, but was very cautious and apprehensive – always preparing for the worst. Always on the edge of something horrible that surely would happen to me again. After all, not everyone gets a happy ending. But it really is and will be OK for me – for us. 2009 Baby is OK. Still, though, even if I have 20 healthy, living babies – there will always be my first – my little fighter – our family guardian angel – the one who left me too soon – the one my heart aches for – the one who changed my life in more ways than I can describe. So I’ll continue living my life with this paradox of happy, relieved, and grateful that perhaps is always touched with sorrow and longing.

It would be so much more comfortable to live in a world of Either/Or – of course, always Happy being the obvious choice – but life isn’t that way. We live in shades of and in-between places – experiencing a full spectrum of emotions – often at the same time. And it is those shades that make life that much more beautiful and enlivening.

RR: Wine, Nesting, Misbehaviour, BB, FB and Rain

Random Ruminations, September 21, 2009:

Who would have ever thought I’d find doing laundry, cleaning and organizing a bedroom so enjoyable. I seem to delight in laundering, folding and putting away little body suits, bibs, diapers, blankies and other baby things. I go into the room, which is now coming together as a bedroom for a baby, several times a day. I don’t really do much more than move a blankie here, cut the tags off a onsie there, wind the mobile and listen to the lullaby, observe the furniture, and sit on the floor as the soft smell of Dreft lingers.

Late Saturday afternoon, following a marathon shopping trip (and spending!) we went out for pizza. Danny Boy’s in RR. Yuuuuuummm! We’d worked up quite an appetite stocking -up on household items like bulk TP, laundry detergent and kitty litter from Costco, an assortment of wipes and diapers from Target, and some hospital-bag basic clothes from Kohls. I believe this drive of mine to stock the house is part of “nesting.” While eating our pizza, thin crust NY Style w/ pepperoni, slowly chewing to really savor the one piece of pie that would most likely come back to haunt me later in the evening, I noticed a foursome – 2 couples – sitting on the patio, just beyond the window behind me, waiting for an inside table, sharing a bottle of delicious-looking red wine. Mmmmmmm…red wine. could it be, a crisp glass of cab? A spicy shiraz? A fruity zinfandel? I salivated just thinking how exquisitely a slice of fresh pizza slides down alongside a glass of simple, even table red. Oh, and the fall air. Sitting outside, sipping wine, laughing with friends. Watching the world. Perhaps taking in an evening fire. Fall is one of my favorite times for outside dining and drinking.

Not this fall. Perhaps the next. I’m grateful to still be walking around, enjoying meals outside, feeling healthy, spending time with my husband and our growing baby inside.

Why are my cats so misbehaved!? Climbing on counters – something we’ve not previously had problems with, incessant begging, knocking items off dressers beginning at 4:45am, batting at food while I’m trying to eat, mutilating furniture, murdering small mammals in the yard, demanding immediate petting, demanding to go in and out, in and out, in and out, several times a day, barfing EVERYWHERE! Granted some of these behaviours are not new. Perhaps they only seem drastically increased and annoying due to the nesting. See above. Either way, the animals are driving me batty!

We had a growth scan last week Thursday. BB is growing very well – he’s 4lbs14oz at 33 weeks! My bp is still good. Everyone still looks very normal. These monthly growth scans provide so much relief. I always find my breath again shortly after the appointment. Then, maybe later that evening or sometime the next day, I find my grief too. It usually happens when I’m in the car or home alone. Once it happened while cleaning out the kitchen wastebasket – I was bending over emptying the can – next thing I knew I was on all 4s, on the floor sobbing hysterically, apologetically, mournfully. This month it was a little more quiet, however, still very present. The longing. The sadness.

We picked-up some flowers Sunday evening and visited FB at the cemetery.  There was a light sprinkle of rain while we were there. Strangely, it always seems to rain when we’ve visiting her. It rained the day we came home from the hospital without her – a weird bittersweet Sunday – big, dark rain clouds and heavy rain, coupled with bright, sticky sunshine. It rained the day we had her interned. Doug thinks she’s telling us to move along. I wonder if Heaven’s shedding tears along with us. The earth is cleansing us. Or perhaps it is completely random.