Triggers

I love my healthy, living and very active children so much. This weekend they were triggers for missing her. These words came to me during a long overdue and much-needed cry, “I want you to come back and be with me so I could love you too. Please come back so I could love you too. I just want to hold and love you.” And I also had a new one, “This is not a fair trade.” When I get to the place where I want her to be here I remind myself that I wouldn’t have either of them now with me – but this weekend I had a bit of a rage about that. It isn’t a fair trade. I want them all – all 3 of my babies here with me.

We went to the cemetery today with some flowers. This was the first time we took the children out of the car with us. We told Big K that we were visiting a place where we remember someone. As we placed our flowers at her gravestone, he was very sweet and wanted to put flowers in the spots for the other babies. We had extras to share so we directed him to place a flower in each of the available canisters for the other babies in our “Little Ones” section of the cemetery. We didn’t tell him anything about babies or death or anything more specific than, “Put another flower over there.” He was very eager to share our flowers. It was endearing to watch.

I suppose one day we will tell both of them about her. I’m not sure when.

Today’s Stop

In some ways it worked out better. There were opportunities that may have not been available had I not been available because I would have been busy with motherhood. Growth. Chance to rekindle my relationship with my career. With myself. Made a few new friends. Stregthened my bonds with my husband. Reevaluated some familial relationships. Let some things go. Let some people go.
Kyle.
Sometimes no matter how hard you work on a certain path – the choice isn’t really your own. An entirely different path is determined for you. Fight it and struggle or embrace the road and make it your own.
I’m sure I sound cliche – but – in times like this – I realize that life is so much bigger than me!

PPD, 10 months and other random

The lights turned back on sometime over the summer. I don’t remember it exactly, but I do recall looking around at the world one day and thinking, “Oh. Those colors are nice.” It was like the switch flipped. No more gray tones overshadowing everything. The timing kinda sucked b/c half of my summer break was already over. But I’m happy for it nonetheless.

Maybe it was around the weekend that I lost my Fiona necklace in the harbor. Doug, Kyle and I were swimming one evening – as I adjusted the hammered silver medallion, the little silver loop that held it on the chain broke open and the whole piece came off. I tried to grab it as it glimmered its way down to the harbor floor beneath. But no. Not fast enough. I didn’t dive or try to look below the water’s surface to find it. I didn’t panic. I don’t know if I even really tried all that hard to catch it. When I we came out of the lake onto the dock, I unhooked the chain and cast it into the water.

Something inside of me changed again. Maybe I was practicing some more “Letting Go.” Maybe I figured it was time to stop clinging onto it.  

Doug just put Kyle to bed tonight. Baby cried for about 10 minutes on his way to Sleepytown. I washed vegetables in the kitchen and prepared our lunches. I’m grateful my husband is the conductor of the Sleepytown Train. It reminds me of when I used to put Kyle to bed – he’d fall asleep nursing in my arms as I rocked him in our glider. I’d hold him for a half hour or so after he was asleep, cuddling him on my chest, feeling his breath, listening to his sounds, smelling him, caressing his back and head. Kissing his cheeks. Very gently running my index finger along his soft, tiny little lips. He was so incredible. 

I cried every single night for several weeks as I held my sleeping baby. Maybe months. As I’d carry him to his room, I’d hold him a little closer. Kissing him one last time, before whispering to him, “I love you. Please don’t die tonight. I love you.” I’d delicately place him in his crib. Holding the railing, looking, wishing I’d held him just a few minutes longer.

Postpartum Depression was rough on me. It, like my grief, had several shades and hues and different manifestations – mixed in with the lingering grief and anger – sometimes I still wonder how I got out of bed every day and functioned at all!

It was so hard. I really, actually, honestly thought I would feel like that forever. I just sort of resigned myself to that as my new normal.

It is better now. Maybe my hormones have settled. Maybe I’ve “Let Go” some more. Maybe just watching baby grow and change and thrive over the past 10 months helps.

Honestly, I let him eat food off the floor now. There was a time that just the thought of letting other people come into our house and share our air would send me into a germaphobia panic attack.

We’ve come a long way baby!

Autumn, A Reminder

It is time for a reminder – for me. So today I chose to read a simply profound work by my favorite author, Parker J. Palmer. Today I read an essay found in his book, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. The passage I selected to quote below comes from his essay on Autumn, page 100:

“Autumn constantly reminds me that my daily dyings are necessary precursors to new life. If I try to ‘make’ a life that defies the diminishments of autumn, the life I end up with will be artificial, at best, and utterly colorless as well. But when I yield to the endless interplays of living and dying, dying and living, the life I am given will be real and colorful, fruitful and whole.”

I spent some time today cleaning, organizing and preparing – all autum tasks in the creative cycle. I read a little and listened to music. I also spent time just gazing out the back window, watching the birds, listening to the chatter of goldfinches who now wear their winter feathers of brown and pale gold. Noticing the browns, yellows and red hues of the foliage in my garden. And I considered my daily dyings, actual dying, fears, and ruminations. And I was just quiet. Rocking gently in my new glider. Holding my tummy. Watching it move about and stir. Breathing and being alive.

Wonderful Physiological Changes

It really is quite amazing – what happens to a woman’s body – to my body – during pregnancy.

It is scary as hell being pregnant subsequently after having had severe, early onset Preeclampsia, being horrifically sick (as my current MFM says, “working on dying too”), being hospitalized, and delivering a stillborn baby at 26 weeks, however, once I get around the post traumatic emotional issues related to my first pregnancy and work through any physical alerts of this pregnancy – able to catch my breath and learn about all of the normal things my body is doing in this pregnancy – it is quite remarkable and fascinating!

I’ve said this before and will always feel the same way about it – which is probably why the expression of “congratulations” bugs me when someone gets pregnant and has a baby: The whole thing really and truly is a miracle! There are so many things doctors and scientists still don’t know about pregnancy and to some degree there is really very little anyone can do to ensure a “successful” pregnancy other than following the obvious precautions and general directions.

And while much of pregnancy remains a mystery – there is much we do know about it – and it is quite tremendous. Take a look at this Merck Manual. Incredible. Awesome. Wonderful.

I had what I’m calling a little “blip” during my OB appointment yesterday. My regular MFM says it isn’t even a “blip.” I was scheduled for my first non-stress test. This test shows how baby is tolerating life in my uterus. It is a standard and routine practice for high risk patients like me after 32 weeks. Many women receive NSTs if they have elevated blood pressure or other maternal indicators that could affect the baby.

My doctor is out-of-town, so I saw the usual nurses and regular OB, not my regular OB. He was a lovely OB btw. I felt anxious about the NST. I always feel anxious about tests and checks – wanting the tests and wanting to know how baby is doing – but worried that things could be bad again and fearful of having to go through THAT again. Obviously I was anxious b/c my blood pressure was elevated and stayed elevated during my entire visit. The nurse even rechecked it several times. On top of the pressure, I dipped a trace of protein on my urine sample. These 2 markers, which are new events for me during this pregnancy, combined with the events of my first pregnancy sent everyone into an alert mode, resulting in calls to the chief of of High Risk OB care downtown and very conservative follow-up measures. I received the whole talk about headaches, visual disturbances, not feeling well, etc, etc with instructions to go straight into L&D if I’m not feeling like myself. I’m OK with that – conservative and promptly attentive care. I had my blood drawn, was sent home with 2 jugs for 24-hour urine collection and am following-up with a repeat NST tomorrow downtown.

Baby was “beautiful” oh his NST according to the doctor. He had great heart accelerations with each movement!At least somebody was not stressed!

So…I’m off work on a sick day today. I’d prefer to be at work being “normal.” I considered several different ways to collect my urine at school but all of them seemed a bit ridiculous! Perhaps if I worked at a desk all day and had a more private restroom option it would be feasible. The restroom options are a significantly far distance from my classroom. I need to go frequently. I have these giant jugs to keep cold and store. I need a collection tool. I could just see me walking down the hallway, jug in one hand, pee catcher in the other and a kindergartener asking, “What’s in that bottle Mrs. B?” Yeah. No thanks.

I probably should complete a task or two on my giant home To Do list, but, I donno…maybe I’ll just hang around on the couch, listening to music, practicing guided imagery and relishing in the fascinating and magical wonders of the amazing things that are taking place inside of my body right now!

And getting up every half hour to collect my urine. 😉

Oh, btw…this by far is THE SCARIEST thing I have ever done in my life – getting and being pregnant again after what happened to me before – but it is SO worth it! I wanted to believe it could be better, but was very cautious and apprehensive – always preparing for the worst. Always on the edge of something horrible that surely would happen to me again. After all, not everyone gets a happy ending. But it really is and will be OK for me – for us. 2009 Baby is OK. Still, though, even if I have 20 healthy, living babies – there will always be my first – my little fighter – our family guardian angel – the one who left me too soon – the one my heart aches for – the one who changed my life in more ways than I can describe. So I’ll continue living my life with this paradox of happy, relieved, and grateful that perhaps is always touched with sorrow and longing.

It would be so much more comfortable to live in a world of Either/Or – of course, always Happy being the obvious choice – but life isn’t that way. We live in shades of and in-between places – experiencing a full spectrum of emotions – often at the same time. And it is those shades that make life that much more beautiful and enlivening.